You Can’t Sit With Us

Emma Agte, Staff Writer

Marked by incredulous glares and long empty coffee cups you can see us from a mile off: The mean girls. It can be worrisome when you see us walking down the hallway with our “natural” pout and Lexus keys in hand poised to rip you apart, but never fear. I have lived with these beings, I am one of them, and I have some hints and tips when traversing the hallways with these vicious snakes.

The first thing to remember: Never underestimate our cruelty. Perfectly straight hair and pearly white teeth purchased by daddy are all a front, underneath these layers of superficiality and Hollister lays unadulterated disgust for everything and everyone. You are not exempt. No matter how many smiles you get or how often we compliment you, we will always laugh at your outfit once you walk away. Forget about women sticking together, we have fallen into the farthest depths of our depravity, refusing to support our own kind. We’re all oppressed together, but that point can be lost on a mean girl. Never trust, that bad hair day will always go on our Snapchat story.

The next thing to remember is give us a wide berth. If you even breath in the direction of the man all of us have dated at one point or another, we will kick your ribs in with our white low top Converse.

Not to mention, a mean girl status is infectious. I have fallen victim to this myself. It’s an intoxicating pheromone we give off– A false sense of belonging, and the fun and confidence that comes with ragging on others. It’s like being allowed to mate with the queen ant: Afterwards, you’re dead.

This one’s for the guys. If we ask for your coat do not give it to us. This is key: we may look cute in the over-sized jacket, and our claims of wanting to be warm and smell like you may seem perfectly valid, but the true intent is hidden. We want you to freeze in the harsh winter so our kind can inherit the earth. And don’t even think about breaking up with us. We’ll give you a kiss just to give you the flu.

All of this aside, the single most important piece of advice that I can give you is to check yourself. It’s possible to overcome a mean girl status and the best tip for how to deal with mean girls is simply don’t be one.