School Survival Guide


The actors from the classic TV show "Ned's declassified school survival guide"

Payton Johnson, Editor

Ferris Bueller’s day off, Ned’s Declassified School Survival Guide, we have all seen the shows but today I will teach you how to make your dreams of missing school become a reality. Skipping school is by far the most savage thing you can do, and you will instantly gain street cred by following my simple easy tips. Tip one. Have your parents do it for you! There is no better feeling than faking a cough to your mom on the day you have a giant test that you didn’t study for and she says you can stay home. (Mom, if you’re reading this, I swear I have never done this before. I’m a good kid) The worst thing about this is that there is a 90% chance that you will not be able to step outside and see the sun, so if you choose this be prepared to be in your room all day. Senior Zach Walker said, “I suggest going to safeway and buying chips and cookies the day before you do this idea. Also mom, if you’re reading this, I love you and this is all fake and I have never done this”. Tip two. This one is probably by far the hardest to do, the excuse “I have a doctor’s appointment” which is maybe the most commonly used excuse to get out of class but as a teacher you can’t really say no. Senior Cory Ricklick said, “I suggest not using this excuse often because you don’t go to the doctors very often. It also may be very awkward to use this at the same time as another person that actually has a doctor’s appointment. Also, I have never done this mom”. Tip three. This tip is by far the most savage one of all. Doing this step may get you in a lot of trouble but who cares, right? You’re missing school! Just the sound of the words, “My alarm didn’t go off, I’m not going to school today” brings a smile to my face, and will bring a smile to your face too, but only for a couple hours until your parents come home and get a call from school saying your child missed every period and that you are the biggest disappointment in their life. Tip four. This tip only applies to people that partake in a sport, so it won’t be that common to use, but it will for sure work every time. If you tell your teacher that you have a swim meet or a baseball game and it’s away and the bus leaves now, you will have the rest of the day off, so come to school wearing your baseball hat and your knee high socks. Who cares what people think of your outfit? You’re getting out of school for the rest of the day! Tip five. If you’re are good at fake crying this one is for you, “The family issue excuse never seems to fail” Said Senior Liam Brecht, “i’m not good at fake crying but if i was this would be perfect for me.” Now right here is a pro tip, and you heard it hear first, rub your eyes for about five minutes until your eyes get a little red then take water and put a little on your eyes then confront your teacher, works every time I swear.


(disclaimer, This is all a joke please don’t skip school)