Valentine’s Day for Singles: a Disgustingly Cynical Guide

Kameko Lashlee, Writer

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Believe it or not, Olympia High, it’s that dreaded and anticipated time of year where hearts are all aflutter; pickup lines are googled incessantly; and I find myself, like clockwork, buying twenty boxes of those disgusting heart candies printed with raunchy cliches and pouring them all down my throat like a shameless pig. Yes, Valentine’s Day fast approaches, that pernicious beast lurking around the corner, fed by mass media and chain corporations and yet starving for melodramatic teenage lamentation, including my own as I write this very paragraph. The average high school’s student body, like the average high school student’s body, is a mess of hormones and confusion and awkwardness as one tries to navigate the murky waters of budding ambiguous high school relationships. Olympia student, are you fed up with the ways of this cruel world, dominated by sleazy Snapchats and the impending fear of your crush seeing you without your eyebrows penciled on? Never fear, Olympia student, because this year can so easily be the year that you throw caution to the wind, put that cute boy from your history class on mute, and enjoy a carelessly single night out (or in) on the town. Take some of my misguided sophomore advice on how to properly enjoy the most faux-mantic day of the year without feeling like you’re destined to die alone.

 

  1. One thing that’s important to remember throughout your high school experience is that while relationships will come and go, your friends are more permanent. So why not spend the day celebrating the high school relationships that you’ll actually remember? Spend a night out searching thrift stores downtown; take your squad to Boomshaka, or have a slumber party with your homies for the sole purpose of eating the fancy valentine chocolates you bought for yourselves. Either way, there’s less of a possibility for tension or the night ending badly than there would be on a date. Plus, your friends are a lot less likely to judge if you eat an entire jar of Fritos cheese dip over the course of the night.
  2. If you’ve recently gotten out of a bitter relationship and aren’t looking forward to suffering through the freshly-single Valentine’s Day routine of watching rom-coms and suffocating yourself in a huge pile of blankets, chocolate, and tears, try having a boyfriend bonfire. Based off the iconic Friends episode, there’s a bittersweet satisfaction to calling over a few friends and roasting marshmallows over the blazing remains of your ex’s obscure band shirt. (A note to the pyrotechnically challenged: make sure you have a designated area for any burning that may occur, and make sure you aren’t burning any plastic.) Additionally, make sure all ties between you and said ex are severed; it’s uncomfortable getting back on good terms with someone only to find out they demolished your favorite pajama pants.
  3. If you’re feeling particularly introverted, go for a solo night in the comfort of your own home. Build yourself a blanket fort, binge-watch your favorite sappy movies as you binge on your favorite foods, indulge in some guilty pleasures. A bubble bath never hurts. After all, you know what you like best.
  4. However, after all love-scorning options have been considered, there’s still the possibility of, lo and behold, going on a legitimate and actual date on February 14th. Whether you’re just getting to know a love interest or you’ve been going steady for a bit, the mass-manufactured romance of Valentine’s Day is sure to create a nice atmosphere for you and your high school sweetheart. Just remember, when all is said and done: no matter how your V-Day 2k16 experience turns out, at the end of the night, you’ll hopefully have a pile of those disgusting cliche heart candies to look forward to.
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