Astrid Hoover-Batt, Staff Writer

Congratulations, OHS lady killers. You did it. Through these four years and the outside forces of “culture,” you’ve made yourselves into a real presence here at Olympia High School. You have an E-Cig, at least one bucket hat, a haircut that’s always fresh, Beats, and you like to say, I got totally hammered last night. “It’s like they’re trying to show off…but it seems unnecessary,” says Senior Fox Comstock. You have a sparkling personality, and also a soundcloud link with your typs white guy “hardcore rap.” You’d be hard pressed to find a girl that doesn’t swoon over your humble yet killer stride and coconut flavored E-Cig juice breath. If she doesn’t die over your slouchy khakis, she’ll lose it over the look of pretentiousness you wear when you quietly mouth the lyrics of Futuristic to yourself. You do not conform. Even though you spent five hundred bucks trying to look as though you didn’t come from an upper middle class suburban family with a three-car garage; and, never fear, your peers have all done the same. Yeah: you are all non-conforming together, the same. And having to go home and ask for lunch money and play FIFA on the plasma your that Daddy got you doesn’t tarnish that hardcore image at all.
Some people say that you’re all posers. That you have this image that is just a melting pot of vulgarity and bass. Senior Alison Wyckoff says, “People are just trying to emulate what they see in media and its not original; it comes across as an insincere personality.”  But I get it. You can relate to the roots of African American pain enough to say the N-word. And of course you do enough real drugs and get enough smokin’ girls to throw your headphones in and act as though those lyrics are your life.
The only problem with your personality is your supposed kindness toward girls. Of course you pretend to respect their bodies and love their personalities, but sometimes you have to keep the air of mystery. You naturally brag about having sex with the girls who are enamored with you when drunk, and then proclaim them sluts. That’s how you get them talking. I know you’ve got that player game; better than cute good-morning texts and real conversations.
The bottom line? Despite your flaws, you’re all superstars. Your lives reflect exactly who you are—really. Senior Chase Wood says, “I admire my fellow classmates taking such risks to explore their own consciousness…they’re really pushing the limits. The brave society of experimental thinkers here at Olympia High School is absolutely phenomenal. I wish I could be part of it…but I can’t.”
If you ever feel sad–like if you start to question if your identity is true–put that bucket hat on, press on that E-Cig, get baffed with your closest “swag boys,” go to The Reef and get some chronic tatchos; and remember that you are original. I’m talking One Direction, Paranormal Activity Five original. We know that you know that you are just like those bad boys.
You have chosen the path that will lead you to swag and unfounded confidence. Two low key stellar qualities in men these days. So keep head nodding to others of your kind like you share something besides what’s on the outside. Keep living the lives that you think everyone wants—we really admire you for being the person you want to be. So the next time you offer me a puff of your choice herb . . .as Futuristic himself says, “I Guess I’ll Smoke.”